Be The Change.

It has been said that the only constant in this life if change.

Yet with this fact known by many, why is it that so many find the idea of change so difficult to comprehend? I have never been opposed to the idea of change. I like a change of scenery, an escape from the mundane routine that makes up most of our day-to-day lives.

My life for the past two years has been chaotic to say the least. All starting in the beginning of 2009. My father got sick, died unexpectedly, graduated college two weeks later, got fired from my job for calling out because my father died, got surgery, got engaged, got a new job, moved in with my fiancée, my grandmother died, I felt under appreciated at work and resigned, got a new job, and I get married in just under two months.

If I don’t deserve a medal for being able to deal with change then I don’t know who does.

The most recent change is the whole job thing. Don’t get me wrong I love my current job, the staff and the kids are great. I have never been great at playing the politics game however. I find it extremely difficult to kiss ass and I usually speak my mind or may disagree with what other people think or do. Without sounding like and asshole however I feel as though I have great ideas and am seldom ever wrong when it comes to my instincts. I have tons of experience with a wide range of disabilities and aliments yet when it came time for a promotion I was passed over while I watched people less experienced than I get promoted before me without rhyme or reason. I have decided that I am not bitter at this fact and just decided that this was not the place that I was meant to be at. I can use my unique people skills to explore other opportunities that would benefit me much greater.

This leads me to think about if this is the right change for me or not and the easy answer is, I don’t know. Maybe change isn’t right or wrong but just now. All I know is I must try to be the change and make it work for me. The key is making every opportunity great or small work for you and that’s just what I’ll do.

I’m Gonna Have To Move On…

What to say, where to start…

It has been so long since I have updated my blog and my life. I just haven’t felt the urge or the need to write, yet I have wanted to I just could not get my thoughts coherent enough to really put out there for human consumption.

My grandmother passed away on November 27th, 2010. This subject matter is still seemingly very difficult for me. My grandmother had always been my rock, my constant, the one person that no matter what I could always depend on. After my father died I felt this emptiness inside that just grows now with my grandmother’s passing. I find myself thinking about her and always wondering if she was proud of me. I wonder if she respected the decisions that I made and more so respected the person that I became.

I have never tried to complain about my life or about the hardships that I have had to deal with. Sometimes however, I feel the need to talk. I am not so good at verbally expression my feelings or my emotions. I try to hide behind humor but it is really just a mask that I wear. I have a wonderful fiancée and I fear that I do not show her how much I care for her. I don’t want her to feel that I take her for granted because the truth is I do not know what I would do without her. She has really gone above and beyond to be there for me when I need her and sometimes I know that I do not show her how much I care.

Even with her so close by I really don’t feel like I can open up or express my feelings. I can’t really explain to her the times where I will remember my Father or my Grandmother and all of a sudden tears will swell up in my eyes and I feel a rush of emotions just swarm over me. I should feel comfortable enough to just express this but the truth is I hide it.

All my life I have been drawn to broken or damaged people because I feel like they have a bit of a deeper understanding about who I am and what I am going through. The truth is I am jealous and envious of those people with the “perfect” lives. People that grew up with both parents, a loving household, dinner on the table every night, a clean house, a drug free environment. I longed for the normalcy for so long that I lost sight of what that truly represents. I understand that things do not need to be perfect for me to find happiness. I am happy with the decisions that I have made and the future that is just starting but sometimes I really feel empty and I don’t know how to explain it.

I am getting married in just two short months and I really can’t wait. Meghan is perfect for me, she keeps me grounded and level-headed. I love her and I love the family that I am marrying into. They have accepted me and made me feel so welcome, it’s a feeling I don’t think I have ever felt within my own family.

Growing up I have always felt like an outcast. My father was definitely the black sheep of my family and that was handed down to me. Even to this day I am still in the shadow of his mistakes and his failures. I want to break free from his image, I want to forget all the bad times, and most of all I want to move on. After my father passed away my grandmother was never the same and rightfully so. A person should never outlive their own child, that is a feeling I cannot even begin to understand. At the time I was living with my grandmother and I really had to keep all of my feelings and my emotions to myself because I had to keep strong for her she needed it.

What my family doesn’t seem to understand is that I was with my grandmother everyday through the good times and the bad. I feel like they hold me somewhat responsible for her mental and physical deterioration. I moved out of my grandmother’s house in June of 2010 for a multitude of reasons. I was engaged to Meghan and we needed to live together, we needed our own place a place that could be just ours. The stress of living in that house with my grandmother as she was slowly losing her mental awareness took such a toll on me. Whereas my family dealt with it in such small doses and they were able to go home to be with their wives and husbands and their loved ones, and I was there everyday to pick up the pieces to see everything at its worst. I needed that escape just as much as they did. I was made to feel so selfish and wrong for leaving and it made it that much harder.

When it got towards the end it was almost unbearable to be around my grandmother. Her mind was going very fast and not getting any better. Most of the time she didn’t know who I was and even when she did we couldn’t have a meaningful conversation. I would get so angry at her because of the nonsense and the confusion that she would talk about. I found it so hard to deal with the mental anguish, the constant complaining and unending verbal assaults from the one woman who was always there for me. I would get angry and I would yell at her to just stop and that eats me up inside, I wish I could take it all back.

I left with Meghan to be with her family on Thanksgiving in Virginia. I saw my grandmother the day before Thanksgiving and I had a long conversation with her and on this day I did not get upset, I did not yell at her, I did not lose my temper. We talked and with what little lucidity that she had at the time I told her that I loved her. I talked to her and I told her how much I appreciated her. I thanked her for always being there for me, and I thanked her for making me the man I was. I told her it was okay to let go and move on. I left that day and knew that it would be the last time I ever saw my grandmother. She passed away just two days later.

I spent that Thanksgiving with the family I was just becoming a part of and with the people with who I felt welcome.

I took the death of my grandmother very hard emotionally but kept those feelings inside. I really didn’t want to talk about it. To this day I still don’t really talk about it. This blog is really the first time I have expressed these feelings and the first time I have disclosed what I talked about with her on that last day I spent with her. I want to keep the memories of her to myself. I want to be able to have these things that are just ours. When I feel sad or lonely or just in ill contempt I can look back at the times I had with my grandmother and I can smile just a bit knowing that I would not be who I am today if it wasn’t for her.

My life was given a chance to start anew with her passing. No longer are my obligations to family holding me back. I can look towards the future with a bit of optimism and know that I can do whatever I want. I can finally move on with Meghan, with a new family, with people who accept me for who I am and what I do, I can be who I always knew I could. For the first time in a real long time I am hopeful for the future, I may not know what it brings but I am ready for any obstacle that may get in my way.

At A Loss

I have learned that life is so very sacred because life is so very short although I offer a counter argument. For some is life too long?

I have never had a firm or normal parental system. I was raised a good deal by my grandmother so I have always been a lot closer to her more so than my own parents. I never really had much of any type of relationship with my parents that become that meaningful. In good times and in bad the one person who has always been constantly there for me is my grandmother. My grandmother is 87 years old. She has lived a full life and her health isn’t that great. She is at a point where she just doesn’t want to go on.

I have many mixed feelings about this. She is one of the only support systems that I have had for a great deal of my life. When it is her time to go I will be devastated especially because it has only been six months since I lost my father. Lately my fears have been coming to fruition. On October 31st my grandmother was admitted into the hospital with a horrible case of pneumonia and pancreatitis. She was in the hospital until November 6th. The hospital made her very weak and dependent. When she got home she stumbled on some stairs and went shin first into the lip of a concrete stair. She felt an incredible pain and said that she thought she was bleeding. The skin however wasn’t bleeding, what was happening was that a large hematoma was expanding in her lower leg. She was rushed back into the hospital and was in incredible pain. The pain was being caused because the hematoma was separating the epidermis from the muscle tissue and putting extreme pressure on the skin. They had to perform surgery to drain the area and unfortunately in the amount of area that was affected the skin tore because of how thin it was. She is now still in the hospital and in horrible spirits, I can’t say that I blame her at all.

My issue now is that she doesn’t have the will to live and being the one person that lives with her and takes care of her puts an incredible amount of pressure on me. Unfortunately when the day comes that it is her time I will be the most likely one to find her. The idea of that scares me. I love my grandmother and I really just want her to be happy, I want her to be at peace. She derives no joy from the life that she lives right now. When she is home she is pretty much stuck inside to relive the same mundane routine each and everyday. To me that is no way of living. I know to some this is going to come off really morbid all this talk of death.

Just because a person is living does not make them truly alive. When someone loses the will to live it’s only a matter of time. She really just doesn’t have it in her to fight. I think part of the reason is just six months ago she had to bury her own son, my father. A child should never predecease their own parents. The loss of a child has really taken its toll on her, I know she is depressed but she doesn’t believe in antidepressants or therapy.

I feel as though she truly blames herself for my fathers death. Not directly but more as a cause and effect. Maybe she feels as though if my grandfather and her were there for him when he was younger he never would have gotten into drugs and alcohol as hard as he did. I try to have her not dwell on the past because there is nothing that can change it. The problem is that when all you do is sit in the house all day unable to do anything you do a lot of thinking, and a lot of over thinking. I am writing just to get my thoughts out there because I am completely confused in this situation and I don’t know what to think. My fiancee has been great being there for me and I have been doing so much to try and take my mind off things but it only goes so far. I just wish I knew how to make her happy. I wish I knew how to relieve this pressure that I feel. I just don’t know what to do.

An Everlasting Love

Meghan Strecker is the love of my life. I have never met someone before who has just completely gotten me in every facet of my life. Our sense of humors just match so greatly. She’s the type of person I can’t go a day without thinking about. All I have to do is picture her beautiful smile and my day is better because of it.

Meghan and I met in September of 2008 through a mutual friend. We started dating only two weeks later. At the time I never thought of it as more than just two people hanging out who got along really well.

One day changed all that. It was a Sunday and I called out of work. We lied in my bed all day listening to music and watching TV. We traded singing songs to each other and it was a day that I’ll never forget. Our eyes met and it was that instant that I knew that this could really be something. We started hanging out just about every day and that didn’t bother me in the slightest in fact I was growing closer and closer to her.

I was in love. This beautiful woman has from the first moment accepted me for who I am from flaws to quirks and everything in between.

The thing with Meghan is I love everything about her, select few movie choices aside, the way she carries herself, her aspirations for the future, the people who she associates herself with, and especially her family. Her family has never been anything but respectful and accepting of me.

On September 25th, 2009 whilst on a joyous outing to New York City to celebrate Meghan’s birthday, atop the empire state building I proposed to her and asked her to marry me. While my plan didn’t go quite the way I had envisioned, although it was still an evening I will never forget and either will she.

I had this planned for a few months. I had asked her what she wanted for her birthday. She took some time to think and eventually said that she would like to go and see Wicked on Broadway. I then looked up ticket prices and fibbed to her that they were too expensive and to wait for more towards Christmas. of course, I then preceded to purchase said tickets. I told her that even though we weren’t going to the play that we would still go to the city for the night and have dinner. The day before we left I talked to her father and asked for his blessing to marry his daughter. I was really nervous about it but I am glad that I did. It is definitely a sign of respect and the words that he said to me were so special and they meant so much to me.

We arrived in New York in the afternoon and went to check into our hotel which is one of the nicest places I have ever stayed. Right in Times Square on the corner of 47th street and 7th avenue, the Doubletree Guest Suites in an absolutely gorgeous room. We had dinner at the Ruth Chris Steak House, which may I say was absolutely delicious and the service was impeccable. During said dinner I showed her that we were going to see Wicked in less than two hours. She was visibly excited. The seats were in the front row of the mezzanine and the view was great. The show was really good which I found a bit surprising because it’s not really my thing. It had comedy, charm, sarcasm, drama and even a bit of action it was great. After the play had ended we went to the Empire State Building as I have never been and she hadn’t been since she was a child. I had one swerve in my plan however as I was unaware that there was a security checkpoint inside the Empire State Building in which they made me empty my pockets. In my pocket was the box with the ring inside of it. This same box was picked up by Meghan and my surprise was diminished. I was almost heartbroken because My plan wasn’t going the way I had envisioned and I wanted everything to be perfect. I was not going to give up, she had played it off like she hadn’t seen anything. While she wasn’t looking I had switched out the memory card on her camera to one of mine that had four pictures on them each with a different message. The pictures went in this order; “Meghan I Love You,” “You’re The Only One For Me,” “And I Don’t Know What I Would Do Without You,” “Will You Marry Me?”  With those four messages I slid the ring on her finger and it was a perfect fit. She grabbed me and hugged me so tight. Right then I knew that this was meant to be.

I have found the person that I want to spend the rest of my life with. Everyday that she is in my life is another day that I am happy to be alive. I just can’t envision ever being with anyone else.

I Love You Meghan.

The Initial State of the Universe

Chaos as it would seem would refer to a state of lacking any order or predictability. Although in Greek Mythology it is said that Chaos is the initial state of the universe; what everything was built off of; the beginning.

I believe that from chaos thus come clarity. As Chuck Palahniuk wrote in Fight Club, “It’s only after you’ve lost everything, that you’re free to do anything.” There is a vast amount of insight in this for the sheer fact that you lose yourself and who you are in your possessions and materialistic nature.

I tend to be an idealist, a realist, and a dreamer. I live my life by my own means. I have a different way of looking at the world, The fact that everything can come from nothing. The future is built off of the past, the pain, the triumph, the tragedy and the sacrifices that forge everyone’s path in life. This life is what you make of it. It is not who you are but what you do that defines you. Imagination is the key to creation.

Where does that creation come from? Chaos is the original dark void from which everything else appeared. Chaos is firmly rooted in the idea of determinism.

Determinism is a philosophy that claims that just as nature is causally-decided, the human desire is causally-decided. Strong determinism and fatalism argues that free will is an illusion, because we couldn’t, in any given situation, have acted in a different way than in the way we did. Soft determinism argues instead that human freedom is a matter of degrees. When we act in the absence of external and internal obligation, we are more free than otherwise and are still influenced by past events and the present situation one happens to be in, combined with natural desires. Determinism holds that every event is a natural and integral part of the interconnected universe. From the perspective of determinism, every event in nature is the result of or determined by prior events. Determinism also argues that human thoughts, beliefs and behaviors are just as much a part of the natural universe as thunderclouds. They can be seen as either results of previous conditions or causes of subsequent conditions, but the fact is that they are part of a larger process that began with the big bang and will continue for the life of the cosmos.

Every event is a joining together of influences. While determinism regards humans as “one with” the unfolding environment of the natural universe, fatalism regards humans as existing outside of this system.

Most humans are naturalists; they believe that humans have “free will” which causes events in the natural world however are not caused by them.  And most humans will defend their “free will” without second thought to the evidence for (or benefits of) alternative explanations. Believing we somehow are above our nature, is the idea of free will; the ability to make a choice without being forced by the laws of nature to make that choice. We are humans, being limited to the capabilities of our brain and physical body, our physical needs, such as hunger, sleep, thirst, predisposed to behave, think and feel in a certain way. This is inescapable we are also not individuals independent from influence, secular from cause and effect, feelings memories, minor compulsory behaviors and the such.

Fatalism holds that the natural world causes events in human life but is not itself influenced by human will or behavior. No matter what you do, the same things will happen to you.

The fatalist position is that if someone doesn’t have free will, then their life is totally determined by the outside world, therefore their beliefs and desires have no effect on the outside world, and therefore no matter what they do the same things will happen. Of course, it is self-evident that our behavior affects the environment and thus what happens to us. While many otherwise rational people believe in free will, no rational person believes in fatalism. By accepting the false premise that fatalism is the only alternative to free will, one can reject both fatalism and determinism without further thought, and comfortably assume that free will is proven. This leads us into the first example of a film called Minority Report that deals with some similar issues.

Minority Report is based on the short story by Philip K. Dick and is about the ability to see into the future and stop crimes before they happen. While understandably science fiction in its attempts to describe these future events the movie lends you to the question of what if? What if that was possible? If you could change the future before it happens would it still happen?

The key to the movie is whether you can change something that hasn’t happened. The movie deals more so with determinism than fatalism. The point being that everything is already predetermined so when they stop the crimes before they will happen they were going to happen anyway. One of the main questions the film raises is whether the future is set or whether free will can alter the future.

The main character Anderton is shown in the future to kill someone and thus the warning actually sets in motion the events that lead him to the person he was supposed to kill. It is also stated that since Anderton knows his future, he can change it. However, the film also indicates that Anderton’s knowledge of the future may actually be the factor that causes the person’s death. This entire scenario becomes a main paradox regarding free will vs. fatalism in the film. It is possible that the act of saying that Anderton will murder someone begins a chain of events that leads to the slaying. In Anderton’s situation, he runs because he is told he will commit murder. The only reason he ends up in circumstances where he might be forced to kill is because he is a hunted man. Take away the accusation, and there would be no question of him committing a criminal act. The prediction drives the act almost like a self fulfilling prophecy. A prophecy declared as truth when it is actually false may sufficiently influence people, either through fear or logical confusion, so that their reactions ultimately fulfill the once-false prophecy. Had Anderton had never been accused of the crime he may very well never set in motion the events that ended in the way the act came about.

The free will issue arises because Anderton knows his future. He easily could do everything in his power for the act to not occur even though he doesn’t. It’s like if you know that if you leave your house you’re going to have a car accident, wouldn’t you do everything in your power to not have that accident, including not leaving your house. While the movie will lead you believe that this isn’t possible it clearly can be when you know the outcome to then change the cause.

There are questions that arise from the concept of the movie however. Are we free to determine our futures or are we destined by fate? If someone knows in advance that they will perform a certain action at a certain time, can that person act freely? Could it ever be fair and just to punish a person for a crime they didn’t commit, although would have committed had others not prevented it? Is a crime-less society thereby a virtuous one? This last one is a good question because if you think to the example of a Clockwork Orange where they do these experiments on this guy that completely change who he is and how he acts. When are privacy and freedom more valuable than safety? Is it ever justifiable to treat human beings as means rather than ends?

These questions are just the beginning when you start to dig down and look at all the little intricate paths and theories that travel throughout the story. The answers lie in the opinions of people’s own interpretations of the stories and they are made to draw their own conclusions from them. Now jumping from this movie we look at the determinism vs. fate in the film the Butterfly Effect which takes a bit of a different stance on the issue.

The theory of the Butterfly Effect is based on the idea that one butterfly could eventually have a far-reaching ripple effect on subsequent historic events and seems to have first to have appeared in a 1952 short story by Ray Bradbury about time travel. The idea stems off the entire idea of chaos theory. The entire idea that something so small could change things so drastically is an interesting concept based purely on the idea of the unknown.

 In the film Evan, when reading from his adolescent journals, is able to essentially travel back to times in his past and alter how they originally happened. As he continues to do this, he realizes that even though his intentions are good, the actions he takes always have unintended consequences. Despite its title, however, this movie does not seriously explore the implications of the butterfly effect; only the lives of the principal characters seem to change from one change to the next. The surrounding world around them is mostly unchanged. Furthermore, the changes made in the past of the principal character are far from minor and in that sense the title of the film is kind of misinformation. An element of the butterfly effect in general terms is that differences in start conditions for different scenario outcomes are virtually undetectable, and consequences are not related to cause in a directly apparent way. Each time he changes something unforeseen consequences take place. When you change one thing you then change everything.

The entire idea of the movie is that things are supposed to happen, and the fact that nothing can change the way certain things happen without going back to the beginning. It is said in the movie that you cannot change who you were without changing who you are. This is true because if you go to the past and change things then you never would have to go back to the past to begin with. It becomes a paradox which was explored even as far back as HG Wells in the Time Machine. In that the machine was created so that the guy could go back and save the woman he loved but if she had not died the time machine wouldn’t have existed so no matter what she was going to die thus creating the paradox.

This is essentially the same as the butterfly effect as Evan constantly wants to go back to save Kayleigh, but the fact is that every time he went back she ended up dead. No matter what he did in the movie he wasn’t changing the circumstances of the situation or in fact the past. The director’s cut (the superior cut) of the movie shows that he had to change the entire history of himself from the beginning. By removing himself from the situation it made it so that things that happened because of him would no longer happen. Everyone in the film was better off without his existence. By going back to the beginning and killing himself in the womb he changes the circumstances of everyone’s lives.

The entire movie deals with a majority of determinism, everything that is meant to, will and does take place no matter the change in the paths of events the outcome is the same. Everything is causally decided, each cause and effect had a different scenario but ended with the same outcome, I like to think back to the Terminator series that was built upon the idea that there is no fate but what we make for ourselves. Yet, each scenario may have been different but the end was also determined, it may have been a different time and a different place but it’s always the same conclusion.

These two films differ greatly in the end result. Minority report has an end result where soft determinism or free will is sought out as the greater of the two by Anderton choosing to do things differently and thus breaking precrime and showing the faults of the system. The end result of the Butterfly effect shows that with determinism, the only way to change the course of nature or fate if you will is to change the initial cause. By changing small events you will end with the same result, however if you go back to the beginning and change the one part that causes everything to happen then it voids future events that may have led to the disastrous consequences. Both films seem to deal with these issues pretty well yet unfortunately don’t maintain the path throughout the whole thing, they seem to break their own rules and change what they had initially said. That’s Hollywood for you though, always trying to dumb it down.

I believe the free will issue takes a lot more than a few films to fully generalize and draw conclusions about. My opinion is that we determine our own futures, for me fate is the death of dreams. If we have nothing to look forward to or strive for then what is the point. Believing that we create our own path and our own success gives people the ability to work hard and appreciate what they have and who they are. If everything is just meant to be then why think differently or try to be more than you are. If everything is fatalistic things will be as they are. I want more and I will determine how that happens for myself.

Just One Simple Question

 

 

He was only 48 years old. Born in April 1961 to Frances and Albert Porter. Brother of Richard and Margaret. Father of Patrick. His name was Albert Ceylon Porter. He passed away on May 8th, 2009.

It has taken me about two weeks to work up the nerve to talk about my father. I have been tossing back and forth in my head what I want to say, what matters, and how I feel. Anyone that knows me knows that I never had the best relationship with my father. I wish that was a different story, I went out of my way to try and be the best son that I knew how to be. I was a good kid, I never got in any serious trouble and I loved my father. I am trying to think back to when I was a kid and the fun times we had, even though they may have been few and far between I still remember them fondly.

Every day seems to be getting easier but I find myself breaking down here and there when I think about it too much. I try and fill up my spare time trying to keep myself as busy as possible to distract my mind. It seems to be working OK for now.

My father was not the healthiest person as he had a multitude of things wrong with him so the thought of him passing away was not entirely unexpected. I may have even been prepared for this to happen, yet the news still shook me to my core. When I received the call I was at a loss for words, I didn’t really know what to think or what to do. For the most part this is still true. I really don’t know what I feel although I don’t feel the same as I did before it happened.

The worst part is I am having my college graduation on May 29th, 2009. My father wanted to see me graduate so much, to know that I had made something of myself, and that I would go on to live my life to the fullest, something that he had been unable to do. Before this happened I really lacked feeling anything about graduation, it didn’t really seem like that big of a deal to just walk across a stage and be presented with something. Now however, I feel much different. Just knowing that my father wanted to see me graduate makes me feel a sense of pride and accomplishment for doing so. I know that when that day comes and I walk across that stage something will be missing. Yes there will be friends and family there to see this event but its not the same when I know that my father wont be there. Everyone says that he will be there in spirit and I want to believe that so much.

I feel very lost, I don’t know what to think or what to do. Part of me wants to just leave this place I’ve grown to call home and travel, another part of me thinks that I need to be here for my family. It is so hard to stay strong for so many when it seems like I can’t grieve, I can’t be perceived as weak.

All I want to do is see him one last time and tell him that I love him and ask him just one simple question, if I made him proud?

 

It’s So Hard to Say Goodbye

Feel no guilt in laughter,

He knows how much you care,
Feel no sorrow in a smile,

Just because he can’t be here to share,
You cannot grieve for ever,

He wouldn’t want you to
He would want you would carry on,

You’re part of the family to

 
So talk about the good times,

The ways you showed you cared
the days you spent together,

and all the happiness you shared.

Let the memories surround you,

a word someone may say,
may suddenly  make you remember,

a time, an hour, a day
That brings them back so clearly,

as though they were still here
And fills you with all the feelings,

that they are always near

For if you keep those moments,

you will never be apart
And they will live forever,

locked safe within your heart.

 

So we shall think of him as living

In every heart he ever touched

For nothing loved is ever lost

And he was loved so much.

Albert Ceylon Porter

April 18, 1961 – May 8th, 2009

I’ll Know When I Get There.

I’ve  come to a crossroads in my life. I am three weeks away from being done with my undergraduate college experience and it all feels a bit anti-climatic. Looking back I don’t know really what I expected except just to feel something.

With my impending graduation and moving on the quote, unquote real world I have decided to take my concept of do more, live more, be more and turn it inwards upon myself. What have I done or could I be doing to change and live life to the fullest. I want to reinvent myself. I don’t think I really know who I am, or rather who I could be. The key is where do I start?

I find it kind of frightening that I am graduating and really have no idea what I would like to do. I enjoy advertising and promotions more than I should. I like creating messages, grasping emotions, and creative ideas, the problem is whether or not I can see myself doing this for the long-term and that’s not a question I really know the answer to.

I started out being focused on the graphic design aspect of the process and moved more towards copy writing which I feel is where my strength really lies. Now I would like to know if that’s really where my passion lies.

I have also been looking back towards the past and wondering about decisions that I have made and if they have been the right ones. If I had to change one small thing, I think I would have gone to a different high school. I went to a high school that holds its students back. At a technical high school, like the one I attended, the education is completely geared to one type of thing, if your in cooking then you will cook, if your in computers you will work with computers. The school instead of opening up the mind of its students to the outside world gives them a narrow minded interpretation of who they should be.

I studied Culinary Arts in high school and excelled greatly. I was accepted into both the Culinary Institute of America and Johnson and Wales University. I did not attempt to go to either one of those schools because that wasn’t where my passion lied. Sure I can cook, and cook very well. This is just something that is a great traight to have whether I am doing it professionally or not. 

I longed for a challenge, to open up my mind and my heart to what could be out there. I applied to numerous schools and got into each school I applied to. The one school I applied to and had gotten in, however was unable to go to because on financial issues was Brown University. I ended up going to Southern Connecticut State University because it was cheap and close to home.

Now after five years in school and a few different majors I wonder if I was challenged enough, or even if I learned enough? General university requirements are the biggest joke when you go to college. The teachers seldom know who you are and the subjects are rarely stimulating, yet they are required. Looking back at my major and focus, which is Communications with a concentration in Advertising and Promotions, I would have to say that I do not feel that I have been challenged enough.

Being taught by teachers that have no real world experience except for what they learned in school themselves years and years ago. I would say the best teachers are the ones who have that experience, who do this for a living, because they bring something different to the table that many teachers are missing. In the “real world” employees wouldn’t be yelled at and belittled like children for over an hour because of the work they have done. What is that teaching to anyone? Yeah that’s great your a teacher that spends each class period listening to yourself speak and telling your students how much they suck. Is that really positive in the slightest? Negative reinforcement doesn’t help anyone. Or you have other teachers who over the course of going to school you really can’t figure out if they have taught you anything at all. Sure they are nice people, you get along with them, but have you taken anything from your experience of working with them? A teacher that doesn’t give his students any feedback, doesn’t update anything relating to the class, makes it hard to even know how you are doing in the class, and yet it is the students faults when they fall behind even though the teacher is not doing their job, and you think if they ever really have.

There is one teacher that I have had by the name of Ken Warren. No matter what he taught I would try and take it, if he taught crocheting I would take it, that is how good of a teacher he is. He molds you to be the best you can be which is something most teachers cannot say.

I am in the process of looking for a job, I am not really tied down to Connecticut. I would like to travel and get a sense of different areas and figure out what it is I really want to do. I would like to move to Chicago this upcoming summer but nothing is set in stone. I am not really sure where I am going I can only hope that I know when I get there.

I see myself on a journey, my destination is not known, however life is not about the destination, but rather the stops along the way.

Ponder?

I’ve never considered myself much of a person that believes in things I cannot see. I believe in what can be seen, what can be felt, and what can be experienced. Yet as a child I spent countless hours outside at night just staring at the stars and wondering about life and essentially what to make of it all. I still do this mind you, not as often and my thought processes may have changed but the same questions still arise.

Why?

Not a resounding answer is even sought but when you think of the biology of life itself I find it difficult for one species compromised of humans to be the most intelligent life out there. I cannot concede that a species as a whole is the smartest thing going in the universe. We have war, hunger, famine, hate, rage, anger and all without any real rhyme or reason. I stare at the sky and sometimes, just sometimes I wish for something more.

Don’t get me wrong I am loving my life right now, probably a lot more than I have in a long time, a loving, amazing relationship, financial stability, goals and aspirations that are only getting closer as the days pass. However with all of this I can’t help but think of something more. I am not talking little green men that probe cows but there has to be something out there.

I wish I was smart enough to be an astronaut. I guess I’ll just have to be rich enough one day to buy my way into space.

Dare to be different: Imagination is the key to creation

“The difference between the impossible and the possible is purely determination.” Tommy Lasorda

The epitome of all essential questions asked in the world boils down to, who are you? It is a question not easily answered, yet often pondered about. There is triumph and there is failure, however the challenge is in knowing how to pick yourself up.

Richard M. DeVos says “The trait of persistence, of determination; The will to endure to the end, to get knocked down seventy times, to just get up and say, “Here comes seventy-one!”

That is the will-power of Patrick Porter. The ability of taking all the obstacles that may get thrown in his way, only to triumph and to succeed.  An optimist, a realist, an idealist, and a dreamer.

Langston Hughes once said, “Hold fast to dreams, for if dreams die, life is a broken winged bird that cannot fly.” So many people have dreams and yet so few strive to reach them. It is not that difficult to change who you are and what you stand for to reach your goals, your dreams. He dreams of being an idea, being influential, being remembered for the risks he will take and the life he lives.

Patrick strives to be different, to be unique, and to bring people together. He went as far as to write up a proposal in high school to the town of Milford, Connecticut to be granted funds so that his culinary arts class could have a Thanksgiving dinner for the homeless free of charge.

He brings his stress free nature to those around him. In groups he often takes the lead and is able to guide people’s thoughts and emotions to create an end product that all can be proud of.  He is able to go the extra mile in any circumstance that he can. He even learned sign language so that he could communicate with a little girl that has Autism just because.

We all strive to think outside the box because imagination is the key to creation, yet we all seem to fear the risk needed to be different.

Perhaps of all the creations of man, language is the most astonishing, for words can create and words can destroy, thus it really isn’t what you say but how you say it.

Why is it then, so hard to be different? Patrick has created for board games and Brussel sprouts, written for Maltby shoes and the air conditioner, and tried to describe the beach in less than fifty words. He doesn’t try and show the world to people but instead tries and get them to feel it, to experience it for themselves through words, thoughts and emotions.

An Update of Sorts; A Smile in the Making

It has been a bit since I have last updated, mostly because my schedule is hectic and rather completely sucks. I am taking six classes this semester which boil down to:

• Advertising & Promotional Design
• Advertising & Promotions for the Internet
• Persuasion
• Fundamentals of Copyrighting
• Fundamentals of Public Relations
• Finger-spelling / Instructional Sign Language

My Schedule to say the least is pretty full, and I would love to drop a class to lighten the load but currently with how my course load is situated I don’t see a reasonable way of doing that. I am going to graduate in May 2009. This is one year after I was initially going to graduate but a few bad semesters and a changing of majors will set you back a bit. I guess its better than it could be. So far I am doing pretty decent at focusing and getting things done.

This semester besides the whole class thing has definitely taken a turn for the better. I am very happy currently which is very good, the reason for my happiness you ask. Well her name is Meghan, and she makes me smile. I met her through a friend and it started awfully fast, yet that doesn’t seem to bother me as odd as it is. I am actually very intrigued by the whole thing. Its like we have so much in common, its like were in each others minds, which is scary and awesome at the same time. I have never connected with someone like this before and its entirely outrageous. She is the sweetest person I have ever met and so beautiful inside and out. I’d consider myself quite lucky.

Also this semester I have quite the agency I was working with. Things were not going well, a family I had been working with cancelled the services they were receiving and my agency had a month notice and throughout that entire month they couldn’t even find me more people to work with. On top of that I found out my co-workers who had been there less time than I were actually making more than I was and it was all really frustrating. So I quit, I didn’t give any notice I just quit, I figured what the hell I wasn’t making any money there anyway. I have resumed working with the family that cancelled their services just privately for the family and I tend to like it so much more now, the money is better and there is no one to answer to except for the parents, which is perfectly fine for me. I felt like I had come so far working with those kids in just nine short months I couldn’t give up on them now, I love working with them so much.

 

That’s it for now, I hope to be updating more frequently when I have the time, however I do have a blog for a class that focuses on advertising on the internet located at www.foreverundefined.wordpress.com check it out, it will be updated weekly.

Until Next Time

P. Porter