I’m Gonna Have To Move On…

What to say, where to start…

It has been so long since I have updated my blog and my life. I just haven’t felt the urge or the need to write, yet I have wanted to I just could not get my thoughts coherent enough to really put out there for human consumption.

My grandmother passed away on November 27th, 2010. This subject matter is still seemingly very difficult for me. My grandmother had always been my rock, my constant, the one person that no matter what I could always depend on. After my father died I felt this emptiness inside that just grows now with my grandmother’s passing. I find myself thinking about her and always wondering if she was proud of me. I wonder if she respected the decisions that I made and more so respected the person that I became.

I have never tried to complain about my life or about the hardships that I have had to deal with. Sometimes however, I feel the need to talk. I am not so good at verbally expression my feelings or my emotions. I try to hide behind humor but it is really just a mask that I wear. I have a wonderful fiancée and I fear that I do not show her how much I care for her. I don’t want her to feel that I take her for granted because the truth is I do not know what I would do without her. She has really gone above and beyond to be there for me when I need her and sometimes I know that I do not show her how much I care.

Even with her so close by I really don’t feel like I can open up or express my feelings. I can’t really explain to her the times where I will remember my Father or my Grandmother and all of a sudden tears will swell up in my eyes and I feel a rush of emotions just swarm over me. I should feel comfortable enough to just express this but the truth is I hide it.

All my life I have been drawn to broken or damaged people because I feel like they have a bit of a deeper understanding about who I am and what I am going through. The truth is I am jealous and envious of those people with the “perfect” lives. People that grew up with both parents, a loving household, dinner on the table every night, a clean house, a drug free environment. I longed for the normalcy for so long that I lost sight of what that truly represents. I understand that things do not need to be perfect for me to find happiness. I am happy with the decisions that I have made and the future that is just starting but sometimes I really feel empty and I don’t know how to explain it.

I am getting married in just two short months and I really can’t wait. Meghan is perfect for me, she keeps me grounded and level-headed. I love her and I love the family that I am marrying into. They have accepted me and made me feel so welcome, it’s a feeling I don’t think I have ever felt within my own family.

Growing up I have always felt like an outcast. My father was definitely the black sheep of my family and that was handed down to me. Even to this day I am still in the shadow of his mistakes and his failures. I want to break free from his image, I want to forget all the bad times, and most of all I want to move on. After my father passed away my grandmother was never the same and rightfully so. A person should never outlive their own child, that is a feeling I cannot even begin to understand. At the time I was living with my grandmother and I really had to keep all of my feelings and my emotions to myself because I had to keep strong for her she needed it.

What my family doesn’t seem to understand is that I was with my grandmother everyday through the good times and the bad. I feel like they hold me somewhat responsible for her mental and physical deterioration. I moved out of my grandmother’s house in June of 2010 for a multitude of reasons. I was engaged to Meghan and we needed to live together, we needed our own place a place that could be just ours. The stress of living in that house with my grandmother as she was slowly losing her mental awareness took such a toll on me. Whereas my family dealt with it in such small doses and they were able to go home to be with their wives and husbands and their loved ones, and I was there everyday to pick up the pieces to see everything at its worst. I needed that escape just as much as they did. I was made to feel so selfish and wrong for leaving and it made it that much harder.

When it got towards the end it was almost unbearable to be around my grandmother. Her mind was going very fast and not getting any better. Most of the time she didn’t know who I was and even when she did we couldn’t have a meaningful conversation. I would get so angry at her because of the nonsense and the confusion that she would talk about. I found it so hard to deal with the mental anguish, the constant complaining and unending verbal assaults from the one woman who was always there for me. I would get angry and I would yell at her to just stop and that eats me up inside, I wish I could take it all back.

I left with Meghan to be with her family on Thanksgiving in Virginia. I saw my grandmother the day before Thanksgiving and I had a long conversation with her and on this day I did not get upset, I did not yell at her, I did not lose my temper. We talked and with what little lucidity that she had at the time I told her that I loved her. I talked to her and I told her how much I appreciated her. I thanked her for always being there for me, and I thanked her for making me the man I was. I told her it was okay to let go and move on. I left that day and knew that it would be the last time I ever saw my grandmother. She passed away just two days later.

I spent that Thanksgiving with the family I was just becoming a part of and with the people with who I felt welcome.

I took the death of my grandmother very hard emotionally but kept those feelings inside. I really didn’t want to talk about it. To this day I still don’t really talk about it. This blog is really the first time I have expressed these feelings and the first time I have disclosed what I talked about with her on that last day I spent with her. I want to keep the memories of her to myself. I want to be able to have these things that are just ours. When I feel sad or lonely or just in ill contempt I can look back at the times I had with my grandmother and I can smile just a bit knowing that I would not be who I am today if it wasn’t for her.

My life was given a chance to start anew with her passing. No longer are my obligations to family holding me back. I can look towards the future with a bit of optimism and know that I can do whatever I want. I can finally move on with Meghan, with a new family, with people who accept me for who I am and what I do, I can be who I always knew I could. For the first time in a real long time I am hopeful for the future, I may not know what it brings but I am ready for any obstacle that may get in my way.

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